This is my first time blogging. I do not really know what I am doing. I do not know if anyone will read this, and truly for me this is a place for me to vent my frustrations. A place for me to say the things I can’t say to my spouse (which I should be able to say.)
I do not know who is reading this, and there is no way to know if you have any experience with alcoholism. But, if you do then you will know how frustrating it is to be married to someone who is an alcoholic. How alone you feel. How cut off you feel. The anger, the pain, the hurt, the confusion, and the fear.
Tonight, let’s talk about the fear. The fear of loosing your spouse. It is fear on different Levels. The first fear is the fear of your spouse dying. In my case it is more than just dying of alcoholism. My spouse has/had C-Diff, bleeding ulcers, malnutrition from two gastric bypass surgeries, and of course not eating because of the drinking.
Second, due to her illnesses she is not wanting to do what the doctors have told her to do. She refuses to take her medication (three are anti-anxiety, one for depression, and one for blood pressure.) She has no desire to leave the couch, open the curtains, or to leave the house. So I am afraid she is giving up and is slowly committing suicide, by starvation. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Third, I am scared to death that every morning when I wake up I am going to find her lying on the floor between the sofa and the bathroom in a pool of her blood with her skull cracked open because she fell and hit her head during the night. I am scared that in the morning I am going to find her dead on the sofa because she has had a stroke or heart attack due to her malnourishment. I am afraid when I come home in the afternoon I am going to find her at the bottom of the stairs because she decided to do something in the house (due to her state of mind) where she got too tired and fell down the stairs.
Fourth, I am scared that the C-Diff infection is going to return and she is going to become septic overnight or during the day. And that she is not going to call an ambulance because she is not thinking clearly. I am afraid that her bleeding ulcers are going to keep bleeding to the point she has lost too much blood internally and basically bleed out.
Fifth, I fear that because she is extremely under weight (89 pounds), and malnourished due to the C-Diff and other gastric issues, that her internal organs are going to start to shut down.
Sixth, I am afraid she is going to develop another case of Pancreatitis, and damage her pancreas to the point it stops producing insulin and she has to depend on insulin injections. And then continuing to drink after that. Or damage her liver to the point it can not heal itself, or her kidneys and then having to be on dialysis.
I have had to many family friends die due to alcoholism, I can not watch her do it.
Seventh, I am scared if she stops drinking, and is not in a clinical setting, the potential for stroke, heart attack, and brain embolisms get really high.
Eighth, I am afraid to not get her something to drink. What happens then? She decides to leave the house…and wrecks…Hurts herself, someone else…kills someone else…kills herself. The guilt of that, when it could have been stopped. Or she has a stroke, a heart attack, an embolism, and dies…again something that could have been stopped.
Ninth, the fear of leaving her. What happens to her then. She falls even deeper in? She decides to take her own life? She does something to endanger herself or someone else? How is she going to survive? These are the questions I ask myself. And then is that guilt mine? Is it my responsibility? Would it have happened if I did not leave? I love my wife, and do not want anything bad to happen to her.
Tenth, the fear of stating over. I am 45 now. I do not know if I could start over. Would I be drawn to someone else, who has the same personality traits? I am a caregiver, I look for people who need to be looked after. I have a deep seated need to be needed. Would I be drawn back into this relationship by my wife, if she got sober (and afraid that the cycle would start again?) Afraid that I could not offer a new interest everything they might want (can’t have children due to a vasectomy, done in an attempt to save my marriage.)
Eleventh, being afraid what I would bring to a new relationship. The baggage from this one, is not something that anyone else should have to bare. Would I constantly be worried if my new wife has more than a glass or two of wine at dinner, is she an alcoholic. Worrying if I am doing everything I can to not read too much into an argument (another topic, for another day). Wondering if I made the right choice.
Which brings me to the twelfth and final fear (by the way the least of my worries), how are other people seeing, viewing, and judging my actions. Is it; he did the right thing, or how could he leave her like that and in that condition, or poor ***** how could he live through all that, or poor ***** how can she survive now that S.O.B. left her. Also, having to think about what do you tell your family, your family, your friends, your co-workers? What does she say about you to your friends, your family, your co-workers, at the divorce? How does the divorce go, smooth, hell, a mixture of both? I can tell you all I have not been a saint. I have yelled, cussed, thrown and broken things, and I will admit I have put my hands on her (no point in lying). Sometimes in self defense and other times out of frustration and anger. But at no time have I every done that to intentionally cause hurt or pain. And let me make it clear as well that she is just as guilty of doing the same things to me, all be it she has not been clear headed when she has done it.
So those are my fears. I am sure that there are more, and I might come back to this again. But for today, I am finished. If you read this and have advice, your own personal story, well wishes, or comments please, if you can, leave them, even if they are negative (I am sure there will be some, especially because of my honesty in the last bit there.) But regardless of what you say, if you say anything, I hope that the road rises to meet your feet, that the wind is at your back, and the sun shines on your life.
My path to dealing with a spouse who is an alcoholic 